When I was seven years old, neighbors used to take me to their church. I remember asking questions and reasoning with them. I guess I was too much of a handful because the second-grade teacher brought me to the pastor’s sixth grade class for him to deal with. I meant no harm. There were just things I did not understand and wanted to know. I remember arguing with the pastor as He gave an object lesson. However, he later gave another object lesson that settled deep on the backside of my mind. Pastor had us each take some nails…one for each naughty thing we had done recently…and hammer the nails lightly
into a piece of softer wood. He then had us close our eyes and pray asking Jesus to forgive each sin. He removed the nails as we prayed. He explained that we were forgiven and would not have to go to hell. Since the object of his lesson was about the consequences of our actions, he then asked if we would want
to build with the wood our sins had marred. We all shook our heads. No one thought that was a good idea, including me.
I wish that lesson had been on the forefront of my thinking right after I graduated high school. In one night, I had my first experience with drinking, drugs, sex and conceiving a child with someone I did not love. Those nails stabbed at my life. Worse yet, when I learned I was pregnant I followed well-meaning but deadly advice. “Your baby is just a blob of flesh now,” I was told. “If you don’t abort it, you will ruin its life.” Even though I did not feel right about it, I had the abortion. That was the spike that killed my baby, grieved God, and tore me to shreds. Later, at the age of twenty-six, I gave my heart to the Lord. I was forgiven, but there was no way of ever getting rid of the consequences of what I had done.
I found it very difficult as a young believer to think that God would ever be able to use me. “How could He possibly build with one so marred?” I wondered. I did not feel ready. I doubted that I ever would be. You know what? I never would have been ready on my own even if I had not committed those sins. It is
God working through us that builds His beautiful kingdom, not our flawlessness. He could have still used me even if I had been guilty of multiple abortions once I repented and asked Jesus to cover them with His blood. How do I know that for sure? Because He used the demoniac from whom He had cast out a whole legion of demons (Mark chapter 5). He just needs us to continually turn our hearts towards Him in order for us to serve in His kingdom. He is ready whether we feel ready or not.
One day I cried out to God, “I don’t even know whether my baby is a boy our girl, Lord! Please name my baby for me.” I closed my eyes, turned my Bible around several times, flipped it open and pointed. It landed on Acts 7:60 (what Stephen said as he was being martyred) And falling on his knees, he cried out
“Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” And having said this, he fell asleep. (NASB)
I have asked God on many an occasion to please tell Stephen how sorry I am. I know he has forgiven me. I know he has because he is in heaven with Jesus now, and that means he is like minded with Christ. Jesus Christ has forgiven me.